A guarantee on love? Uh, okay

So last night I completed the first of six months of the "embarrass-yourself-five-times-to-strangers-you-find-at-least-somewhat-attractive-to-make-sure-you-are-still-following-the-rules-to-get-six-months-free-at-Match-if-you-don't-meet-someone-special" thing. Of note: there are interesting men out there, but not interesting in the right way -- for example, one "match" fairly screamed out in his "About Me" section that he likes to have lots of sex, and he did so... three times.

Hey, I'm all for enjoying sex and lots of it (wahoo!), but three times in two paragraphs, without even having met the person you might actually be doing it with? That's nasty -- and not in a good way. There are other ways to get the point across. I guess he didn't exactly have a way with words? Poor thing. I rewrote my own profile when I rejoined, and since I know myself more and more as I get a little (gasp!) older, it really reflects who I am (for better or worse...)

So as another writing exercise, I've decided to put together a profile of all the men I've dated, if they were rolled up into one (I am not counting onesie-twosie-dates, but anything over 6 weeks is fair game). Please remember, this is a lifetime of men, not any one person in particular. And oh, I'm not counting stuff about their looks, since that would just be mean.

About Me:
I'm a stubborn jerk who will make your mom and dad cringe and your cat run away. I enjoy withholding attention when things don't go in my favor, and I grimace when I pay the dinner check. Although I make a lot of money (lots more than you, nyah nyah), the odds are good that I won't spend much of it on you. (What if we break up? Then I will be out a bunch of cash.) I am a sports enthusiast who prefers watching them alone to joining you at most of the activities you enjoy. I'll monopolize the conversation and talk about things that put you to sleep, and do it with a voice that varies in pitch and intensity.

I don't know how to compliment you and I fly off the handle for no reason. I act like a child and my parents never taught me to share, so babysitting experience is a plus. As an adult, I have no imagination since my mom ridiculed me about it when I was younger, but she will always be the number one lady in my life. Also, my balance is really bad and I will constantly bump into you when we walk next to each other. My coworkers refuse to sit near me, so I have no personal space boundaries. In addition, I won't remove my pubes from your soap when I shower, and I will eat your entire dessert without asking.

What I'm looking for:
I seek an energetic girl who will make me appear smarter. She must work out five times weekly, have long hair, and be between 5'6 and and 5'8. Short chubby chicks need not apply. It doesn't matter if you're smart or funny, because I won't be listening anyway. Also, she should want sex all the time, but not expect to actually get it very often. Bonus points if I can place unreasonable demands and restrictions on you, in your own home.

Looking forward to you making the first move.

I could go on and on -- some of these stories are actually funny! But for readers who think I'm being too harsh, despite their shortcomings these men had at least one good quality each (sometimes more). Here's the profile for my ideal man:

About Me:
Hi! Thanks for stopping by.

I'm (insert name here) and I look forward to getting to know you. My friends describe me as witty, friendly, and smart; but I describe myself as loyal, hard-working, and balanced. I have other good qualities too, but listing these is a good start.

I can think of a lot of ways to spend free time: reading, video games, travel, time with my family, taking you shopping (I'll carry the bags!), dancing, or just a leisurely stroll... with you. I love to eat, and am willing to try just about any kind of food. I like to make things with my hands and am proud of my latest project -- a modern-looking dining table made of birch. I have a Ph.D in philosophy, and I enjoy my work -- I write for a living, and people seem to like it, since I'm compensated well... but that's just a bonus... and I'm very willing to share. :^)

I would like to find a kind, intelligent woman who wants marriage and kids, and soon -- I'm ready for a family, and I love the idea of my wife being a stay-at-home mom. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I'm not stuck on height or weight. I believe that chemistry is key for a romantic relationship, so let's meet somewhere easy to see if we have it. Also, please have a decent sense of humor! I make a lot of jokes, and I want to know that you'll make some of your own. ;^)

If you smiled after reading this, please contact me. I'll be sure to respond soon.

I smell novella! (Heh heh.) So, what do you think? Do you have horror stories, and what are your ideal qualities? Comments are welcome.